Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
