The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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