I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
