is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
