oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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