you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
