thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
