Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
