so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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