4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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