awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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