I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Randomize
