I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
