It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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