allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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