I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize