why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
