Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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