I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
