i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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