No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
