So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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