I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
