You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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