I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
