i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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