he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
