I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
