I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
