I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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