remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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