just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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