While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
