I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
