just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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