A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
