I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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