in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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