Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
