So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
