hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
