Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My life is pants optional.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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