found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
