My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize