tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize