If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
