So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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