New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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