Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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