Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
