saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
