Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She's the barista slut.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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