remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
