Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Text me some of your sweat
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
