Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize