it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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