yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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