Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
